Can I be really honest
About this thing between us?
You feel like the good night’s rest
Of which I’ve always been suspicious.
Don’t get my wrong, I really like you!
I even like how much you make my cheeks hurt;
From the joyful play that’s now your purview;
Childlike awe and freedom in adulthood.
A feeling for me that is a first!
Because I’m used to shallow breaths,
Not feeling like my heart could burst.
Instead, downcast gaze tracing footsteps,
Not raising my eyes to the sky in wonder.
But listening – so heightened and on edge;
Not receiving sounds so openly with candor –
The way your voice lands like a long lost amends.
And I hate that this is where I still land!
Often one foot back in the past.
But these days it feels less like a summons
And more often like a much needed contrast.
The kind that reminds me to keep going –
No longer words I bitterly swallow –
But a deep inside, fully felt knowing
That all that pain was never hollow.
Because, judge it if you must,
There’s still a part of me – maybe many –
Who doubt and refuse to trust
That life is anything but plenty
Full of violence and injustice.
They’re the parts that keep open my back door
Not just on you, but life and all this
Hoping there was something more.
Thank you for meeting me in this moment!
I worked so fucking hard to get to here,
When all the parts of me that were stolen
Become the me’s I deeply revere.
The truth is I didn’t see this coming!
Not me, not you, not so much possibility.
But you showed up and in me drumming
The beat of my long lost creativity.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve found my ways
Over the sad and scary trials.
In all my surviving, there was sometimes play…
I’m glad I held out for its revival!
So again, Thank You for arriving
in this plot twist; perfectly timed entrance!
A love so steady is surprising –
My real life healthy, secure romance.
No really, Thank You, because I know the cost
It takes to show up so grown and healed.
And more importantly, willing to give love a shot
When it’s the lingering hurts we’d rather conceal.
Know that I’m here for all of it, all of you!
Even parts you’d rather I never encounter.
That’s right, I’m actually willing to lose
For the chance to finally be keeper and founder
Of the worth it part of the story,
When we see clearly past the pain.
From here on out, no longer in a hurry,
No longer looking for someone to blame.
Just hopeful, grateful and fully surrendered
To the invitation forward surefooted and free.
In love and awe, You and I, both as the menders
Combining beautifully our tapestries.
Parker Stillwater 