I never thought I could feel so broken
Yet so free –
Like my insides were on the outside
And you could see every part of me;
All the shady and twisted up
Ways I came to be
So beautiful and lonely
And too stubborn for a love story.
Because I do it without thinking;
I kick away and push you back.
Sometimes when I least fucking expect it,
My insecurities come out and attack.
I feel like such a disappointment
When I hear it take over your voice.
Oops… there she goes again!
I swear I had no fucking choice
To become so frustratingly distant,
Guarded, harsh, and completely off track
About the reality that someone like you
Could ever love me back.
But I don’t mean to make excuses or turn
The focus back to my heartache
When it’s you, not me, who in this moment
Has every right to leave and take
Not a single glance back in my direction,
Not a second or passing thought,
Because if she can say something so jarring
It makes sense you would rather naught
Invest more time, energy and trust –
Especially given the distance.
I know it doesn’t take much reason
To feel the rise of logic’s resistance
To putting your heart and tender emotions
On a line for someone like me –
Someone who is still afraid to let themselves love
And learn the meaning of unconditionally.
So, I am hoping you really do see
Every part of me and right through
And that tomorrow you have more resolve
To invest in us anew.
Because, I promise, I’ve never been more ready for
A love like the one we’re creating.
I just need you to give me more time and patience
To make some missteps in all this relating.
See, what you need to know about me in this thing
We call dating – even if we still won’t call it that –
Is that I think I’m ready to stop running and hiding
Or letting my younger parts create old habitats.
So, even though I put my foot in my mouth
And gave you cause to wonder or question
How this thing between us, despite distance,
Might be temporary or clandestine;
Truth is, I’m far more invested than I intended
When I first said, “I don’t mean to be bold,
But…” I think you knew it then like you do in this moment –
It’s because of you, I want to grow old.
Fuck, that’s probably too much to say
At this point in time when we’re still so nervous
To trust that love could show up unexpected,
But denying our connection would be a disservice
To the things we already know about
How we’ve done this together in past lifetimes.
Hell, at this point I’d even put good money down
That you are the reason my thoughts come out in rhyme.
But I digress, and I’m incredibly grateful
You find it endearing when I do
Use far too many words to find my footing
And my fearful way back home to you.
Because you know that even though I’m afraid
I’m not the person with whom anyone ends up,
I refuse to give up or leave you now
Without first fully surrendering to love.
Parker Stillwater 