Parker Stillwater

This stopped working for me
when you stopped trying…
I could stay and hold out
hope my intuition is lying;

but the realization I had
the other night all alone
was that if in my body it feels bad,
then I know all I need to know.

In the past it was habit
to seek answers and reason,
trust you when you insist
that it’s a misguided feeling;

but trust is all I have left when
young love dies and disintegrates;
can’t ignore the change in the wind
or against better judgment wait

for things to feel better,
now in this distant cadence;
vertigo from the teeter
that shakes me in your long silence.

Since I’m know for wearing my tender
heart hopelessly on my sleeve,
I need all the reminders
I give to you unconditionally.

I don’t think it’s a lot to ask
to hear from you at the intervals.
Why would you choose to mask
when love’s willing to catch your fall?

It feels dumb when I tell friends
about how unhappy I am.
Worse, between us the trend
to in different places land,

yet somehow walk away
thinking everything is okay.
It feels real illogical in my brain
the way you’re so good to reframe

my intuitive knowing that
there’s something you’re hiding.
It feels more and more like a trap,
like you’re waiting for better timing

than leaving me now in this moment
when I seem so distressed and distraught.
It’s not my will or intent
to make you feel like you’re not

allowed to walk away for even reasons like
you changed your mind about the meaning
of where cupid chose to strike
his arrow that now is appearing

to fall out of your chest.
I get it, you didn’t know I was trans
when you first gave me that yes,
until morning we danced

on that first long and tender night.
But, I’m afraid my big fear
has turned out to be right;
it would hurt less if you’d be clear

that you can’t love me back,
because I’m not what you thought.
Cut yourself all the slack;
no one here is at fault.

I’ve grown real used to this
Being the one no one ends up with.