Parker Stillwater

Hey little body, long lost friend of mine,
I know why you’ve kept your distance.
I would, too- in fact, I’d die
If I was met with so much resistance
From the world around me.
The looks from strangers and tv ads
The one that say you asked for it, that you Seduced him. That one you know as dad.

Ain’t it funny, how society
Values innocence and chastity?
But won’t raise a god damn finger
To save small children from violent realities.

Remember when that little girl climbed into the backseat of his car
Followed by her little brother; she set him on her lap –
You were far to scared to tell them that in this vehicle
There’s no escape to what they’re running from, and they ought to just turn back.
I know that you still think of them, and wonder if they could
Have been the siblings to help you shoulder
Such an unreasonably intolerable load.
What a terrible thing to wonder about
The fate of someone so small.
I know why you still are afraid for them…
It’s possible they didn’t make it after all.

But you did, and now
You’re rhyming in your sleep
To think that better care of you
Those parents of yours could ever keep.
I know what he told you in that moment
Still haunts you to this day.
He said they came to us because he such a good dad
But he only told you so you would obey.
And obey you did real well for
The majority of your years.
You need to know I’m no longer angry
For all the flashbacks you still put in my ears.
Because I now know that your job
Was to keep us breathing until we finally found
The will to face the cold hard truth
Of accepting the scars of terror, pain, and sound
That he so firmly branded into your body in your youth.

Sweet girl, I know it’s taken far too long
For me to finally say this out loud –
He lied, and yes, he did it all on purpose!
Just hear me out, let me circle around-
For a moment, let me take you back there-
Promise, this is different from the ways you sound the alarm
Of vibrant unwanted memories
That tell the solemn story
Of how we came to be so harmed.

No, I promise this is different
And I will endeavor to keep it brief.
Just go back there to that moment
With me; I’m trying to give you relief.
From the burden you took on
When you saw your big sister and mother in peril
And learned quickly that your ability to fawn
Would calm him down when he went feral.

You need to know now that we’re done –
I mean me, you and all our other parts –
Blaming, shaming and even claiming
That it was all your fucking fault.
For being so damn cute and intelligent.
For being so enragingly hard to resist.
Truth is, had you not stepped up in that moment-
In this moment, we wouldn’t exist.

So, just follow me down the dark hallway
This firmly final and last time,
Even though you would rather ride away
On imaginary horseback and upbeat rhymes.
Let’s go back to the backseat shiver
You felt when dared to say,
It’s because they saw a good father
That they climbed in hoping they could stay.
He’s a fucking monster, a bully, a rapist!
And THAT is why you won’t let me see his face
In the memories you flood me with when pissed
That I’ve made another mistake.

Listen, I get it. I know I still scare you,
Although I hope it’s not like it was
When the picture became so askew
And you believed it was because
“You made me do this”
“And she did, too”
The classic argument for all of his
Pedophilic fantasies.

So, no I won’t blame you anymore
Or get mad when the present you decide to hijack.
I need you to know I know what’s in store
Now that we are no longer subject to attack.
So, keep the flashbacks coming – I know what they’re for –
Until you believe that we’ll never go back.

You never have to show me his face
Or paint the picture they demand so clear.
I need you to know we outran the chase
And that we made it all the way to here.
We’re now forty years old-
Or at least I am
And now I’m the one in control!
Not him; Not her; Not them;
Not the ones who turned their backs;
Not the ones who said you were lying;
Like they were all in the same pact
Of enjoying a little girl dying
Such a long, slow and nauseating fate.

I promise, you no longer have to answer
Those questions I, too, truly hate.
The ones rehearsed by all the liars
And the ones who can’t say the word rape.
Like even just the mention
Is such an inconvenience.
“You’re only doing it for attention”
Is what they say to negate your experience.

Do you see where I’m going with
All of this rambling and pleading to you?
I ask you to hear my emphasis;
That I believe you knew then what was true.
And also – because you had to survive it –
I know why you didn’t hear it all come thru.
So yes, we’re back in that scary moment –
I even like how you shaded it blue –
Now hear me clearly when I tell you
He knew exactly what his words would do
To you
And here’s the clue,

He never stopped trying to misconstrue
Not when he told you later in life
About the other girls he raped, too.

Yes, you
Are the one in 9.
And you are also not
The ONLY one.

So, can we stay here in this moment
One firmly final time?
Long enough for me to rip his throat out
And speak the truly final line
In this sad scene that we have come back to
More times than anyone will know.
Hear me, child, believe that together, we outgrew
All the lies he made you stow.

So, here it is,
What I hope you remember
Is that all of this
Is a terror made up by a raper-
And it’s a miracle we still exist.

So, now I ask you gently,
May I change the picture in your mind?
I invite you to run away with me-
Let’s unravel this tale and unbind
Our loyalty to silent suffering;
Of this we’ve had enough for many lifetimes.

Do you see me standing outside,
In your mind, that open door?
I need you to step off the ride
And trust; out here there’s so much more
Than meets your swollen, tired eyes.

It’s time to go now- Don’t look at him
Eyes on me
Promise, our future is no longer grim
So, let’s flee
This time together
Because you are my family.

And safe is where I’ll keep you,
Don’t look back-
I got you,
This is fact
You are the reason we outgrew
All
Of
It

Now,
Let that memory
Fade to black.