Parker Stillwater

In you, I see forever
But it’s not quite what you think.
I see forever sunrises
That cause me to not want to blink,
For fear of losing just one second
Of memories by your side.
You, for me, you’re the only heaven
On earth that I could ever find.

But I know this sounds so stupid
Because we’ve only just begun
To read the lines that are on our pages –
It’s a pretty melody when it’s hummed.
But I don’t want to sing a sad song;
And the truth is, this is how our story sounds
Because, how could forever last a lifetime?
All I know is in you I’ve found

The parts of me that went missing
Such a very long time ago.
Not just once or twice or three times, but countless little deaths
When the answer was really no.
It’s in you I have found so many yes’s;
You’re like a treasure trove in a book.
How did I ever fucking find you
When I was too afraid to even look?

But that’s the thing, I think I found you,
In the least expected place.
When I wasn’t looking or even believing,
That’s when I found it all in your sweet face;
The love I always wanted,
The kind that is free & uncontrolled.
I swear I know I’ve found it,
Like when you know, you’re done, you’re sold!

But what if my heart doesn’t know how to buy into
A story so sweet and free
From the sinister moments
Of heartache and tragedy
That I’ve known for more than a lifetime?
Because it’s not the violence that made cold;
It’s the way no one would help me
When I was just three small years old.

I was so small and innocent, so divinely perfect
And loving when he and she decided to rape me;
Not one or two or three or four times, but an endless,
Ongoing saga of “hush little darling” this is your reality.
So now, I’m left to wonder how a body so broken and tormented
Could ever be perfect or loving again…
No, it’s not possible or even imaginable
When you’ve been where I have been.

Because I’ve been underneath his crushing weight.
Yes, I still remember how it felt
To know that no one was coming –
So, why even cry for help?
But I was stubborn, maybe even filled with hope
That one day someone would see
That I was drowning, dying, crying, trying
To survive the unspeakable-
For just a moment, to be free.

Free from the terror, the nightly attacks
And even the ones that played out in daylight.
You see, I was never safe to be just a kid.
I had to always be ready to put up a fight.
And I wish I had known how to fight
Because maybe then he would have stopped-
Stopped coming after me, even into adulthood
You see, this is the one thing he never dropped.

Let it go, move on, you’re wrong, they told me
Every damn day of my life,
Until I finally got the courage
To pick up that metaphorical knife.
I cut them off, I said “I can’t keep doing
This” ridiculous dance of faith
That one day you’d show up with an apology
For all the violence I had to take.

But that day hasn’t come, and it’s not coming.
And I refuse to continue to wait
On the fairytale I made up in my nightmare –
The one where you gave me one less reason to hate
All the things good in this lifetime,
Like the angels that kept me alive.
Because what good is the good if they’re willing
To facilitate the violence I had to survive?

I know that you didn’t do this to me
And I see where I stopped talking to you and instead them-
But that’s what trauma does to the present moment.
It’s like to the past that I am condemned
To relive over and over and over.
You see, I’ve learned to let it go, move on, I’m wrong
To think that I’m worth saving, or helping, or even loving;
That dream died the moment I had to become so strong.

And strong I really did become.
D’you know I fought them all off when i got big enough?
But by then,
The damage was done.

And so I ask you in this present moment
Let me refine my curiosity…
Because I know forever can last a lifetime-
Just take a look at me!
I’ll forever remember the sounds, smells and sensations
That were done to me when I said no.
And I’ll carry this onto my deathbed
With no hope for justice or clo-

Sure, That’s what forever means in my body.
It’s like there’s no more room for good
Even though I swear I tried, I really did,
To be the daughter they understood.
I stayed, I honored, I kept quiet
For as long as my broken heart could-
Until I realized I was dying a death that
No one ever should.

And so I moved on, I let go, because I was wrong
To think that love could ever exist
In a body so broken, so tormented –
A body so disgustingly hard to resist.
This is why I am so tortured
By the unwanted attention, admiration and praise.
Because I don’t know if the next kind word from a stranger
Will result in another connection betrayed.

And I’ve done the work – the heavy lifting, the deep emotional excision –
Of facing my torment
Caused by the demons I was given against consent
And not even a trace of lament
That they could do this to their own daughter-
The one they tell my friends they miss so much-
The one they scared so firmly into silence
That she uses distance now as a crutch.

But the distance hasn’t saved me
And it hasn’t helped me forget any of it.
Distance is such a disappointing lie, a myth, a joke;
She’s such a raping son of a bitch.
The kind you can never get away from
Not in daylight or when I close my eyes.
She’s the kind of demon, a sea man
That reminds me – I will never thrive.

No, I’ll just flit around this lifetime
For how ever many years I have left,
Chasing promises of healing to no avail-
Trying to die no longer bereft.
I fear I’ll never know what it means to be living –
To feel fully, Joy and Ease.
I fear those are just the daydreams
Of a broken child who could never leave.

And you know, I ran away a lot!
They told me it’s what made me bad…
Bad enough to consume so completely
And then dare to still call himself my dad.
And so I changed my name and theirs, too.
I moved on, I let go, because I was wrong
To ever assume they would ever want to love me like a daughter-
I fear I let it go on too long
Before I ever put my foot down
Before I called it like it is.
I was 38 before I could even speak it
Before I knew any other truth than his.

And now that I’ve spoken the truth out loud
And seen reality for what it was
I’m not sure how to move forward alone, unencumbered,
When the past still haunts – it chases, it gnaws –
At every day that I dare to exist
To know something more than this
Tragedy; unspeakable, now out in the open.
A life with someone like me, I know nobody put on their checklist
Of things worth doing, living or knowing.
You see I grew up … very fast.
Too fast for fibs and fairytales
And forevers made up of anything but the past.

And this brings me to my refined question; I don’t doubt the permanence of forever –
I simply wonder if now is real…
The kind of now you drop me into
When you open your sweet mouth and I feel
Like I could finally let my guard down-
Like I no longer have to fight-
Like you won’t overtake me or attack me
In the middle of the night.

It’s a low bar, I know; It’s truly pathetic
Trust me, I’m ashamed that this is what I’ve known.
I would if I could go back and die a million deaths, one after the other
If it would keep me from being this grown
And so very broken, but beautiful.
Because I never meant to show up in your life, so unexpected
And wholly unsuitable
For the kind of love and life and story
That any sane person would dream of.
I know you didn’t ask for this any more than I did-
It’s like a bad joke from up above.

So tell me, lover, do you still want me
Now that you know what I’ve been through?
I wouldn’t blame you if you decided
That all of this is too much for you.
I know it’s a lot, believe me I know
It’s not anything you wanted to hear.
Can you understand why I kept so quiet
Year after year after year after year?

Because I never asked to be raped by my father
And for my mother to choose him over me.
I never asked to make it to forty and so surrounded by love
From strangers who I’ve chosen for my current family.
I never asked to disrupt the ecosystem
Of anyone I hold so dear.
It’s just that I don’t know how to reconcile existing in a world
Where I no longer have to fear;
Fear the ways in which my story cause you
To hurt and squirm and tear up.
Had I known the irony of thriving after surviving
I probably would have given up.

But I didn’t, and you know, it feels like the right thing to do.
For your sake, I would fake it if you asked.
I guess that little girl inside me
Knows no limit to what she can be tasked.
Because I’d do it. I’d quit. I’d die tomorrow
If it meant you didn’t have to hold space
For the broken parts of me, so shameful and hard to look at-
I’d disappear her so eagerly, leave no trace!

You don’t know how badly I want to stop talking about this bullshit past.
But it’s like because I dissociated to survive it
I’m bound to repeat it until I expire;
It’s not a story I know how to outlast.
And I’m trying, I promise I’m trying
To outrun it, to burn it, to transmute it
And sometimes I think I’ve finally done it
And then the past takes over the the present-
In any now, the past can ruin it.

I know you didn’t ask and now I’m rambling…
I know you thought this would be a love note.
Don’t get me wrong. It is! I promise it’s about you
And me just trying to stay afloat
In what we found, when we weren’t even looking for
Another person to feel so right.
It’s like we’ve done this in a thousand lifetimes-
Is this why I survived the night?

But, no pressure! I promise you don’t need to save me
From myself or even him.
I promise I’m a big girl now –
I’m even a he and them!
That’s right, I can’t tell this story without including all
The parts of me that taught
Me how to run, flee, fight back, escape
No matter what the cost.

And so now we’re in this moment.
And I really wish I knew how
To be in just this moment
Without raising a skeptical brow,
As though you were the one who hurt me
All those many years ago.
You see, the problem is that it didn’t stop hurting-
It’s like such unspeakable violence is all I’ll ever know.

But I’ve found that in my speaking
Comes a release I still don’t trust or believe.
I started talking long before
I was ever ready to say yes to such a reprieve;
The kind that causes me to exhale-
The way your energy causes me to exhale.
You don’t even have to do anything;
You just exist and I no longer want to bail
On this thing. I guess, it’s called love?
Look, I think I love you – just as a friend.
Be cool! Don’t freak out! Don’t get it twisted!
Whatever it is; I don’t want it to end.

And again, I don’t mean to scare you;
Because what you don’t know about me
Is I’m really hard to pin down-
I’ll never let him do that again to me.
So, you don’t have to worry about not being able to shake
Me from your life or day to day, if you so choose.
I know what it’s like to have my no disregarded
And now it’s my integrity I refuse to lose.

So, if at any point you want out of this unexpected connection that feels so fucking familiar –
Say the word, and I’ll gladly leave you be.
I’ll move on, I’ll let go, I’ll be wrong
About the ways you’ve already helped me
Realize that the past is just a story –
An old one I’m ready to forget.
I’m doing the work of changing behavior,
So I can walk away from you without any regrets
That I didn’t try my hardest
To love you and be in the now –
A million nows, so endless and ongoing.
I promise, one day I’ll stop asking you how
This is real or even safe or not a joke.
I promise, one day I’ll stop leading with the fear that anything I love and trust
Will all go up in smoke.

“Even if it did, it would be worth it”
Is something I’ve heard you say.
I think I’m almost to a point of agreeing with you;
I guess love really does find a way
Of healing the un-mendable parts of us –
The ones we bury deep inside.
I was never really good at hiding
And I’m so grateful you seem up for the ride.
I’m grateful, too,
But only because it’s you – not anyone else.
I couldn’t imagine writing all of this to any other.
With you, I feel free to be fully felt.

That’s why I’m leading now with my darkness
Because it’s what I’m working through.
I promise, I’m not just doom and gloom and sad stories,
But I think that’s something you already knew.
I see it when you look at me –
You see the sadness, but you also see my light.
I’m so grateful I survived the sad stories.
I’m so grateful I won this fight!
Because this feels like winning forever
Even if it’s only just right now-
You and I both know that forever
Is just a bunch of endless nows.

And so, now is where I find you
And I’ll keep coming back to here.
I hope you keeping wanting to find me
And pull me close, draw me in so near
To your heart – that place I know you
Also keep
Your own vault of tragedies, unspoken stories
Of your own variety.

I hope that in my vulnerability you find
The kind of inspiration
That allows you to forget and never mind,
And build your life on a different foundation
Than what those sad stories
Would have you believe
Is possible for someone like you
And me.
I know I said it in the heat of the moment
“I think we both deserve this.”
But I meant it! I mean it! I’ll live it
In every kiss and bliss-
Full moment I get to be with you!
Whether we’re in the same town or not –
I don’t care if it’s one day or twenty –
I’ll keep reminding you, I like you a lot.

I hope no matter how this goes, you always know
How much you’ve already helped heal my heart.
You’ve changed my perspective about
What it means to be apart
From you, from myself, and the love that’s been waiting
For me to open my eyes and see
That I was never apart but a part
Of a greater love story.
It’s the kind where I get to write a new chapter
In every now. No more then;
Only now. I get to put it all on paper
And not worry about why or when-
Just choose my yes over and over and over
Until my no’s are nowhere to be found.
I’ll love you until forever
Because I’m realizing love knows no bounds.

I knew you before this lifetime. Of this,
I’ve never been more sure.
So, again, thank you for finding me
After all I’ve had to endure.

I think I’m finally ready to admit that it was all worth it.
How could any other truth even be
When I have you standing here, so grounding,
So lovingly looking right back up at me?
So, I’ll love you in this moment
In whatever capacity you’ll allow,
Because I don’t care anymore about forever
All I want is right here and now.